It used to be that physical injury was associated with Huns and Barbarians pillaging your village. When a man calls me “Honey” is he really sending me a mixed message? While you are sitting there reading this absolute baloney in front of your computer screen or instant messaging your hordes of buddies you are actually nuking yourself to death. Isn’t it always the case that the things that are the most fun in life are the things which tear your cells limb from limb hurling you into life long unbearable pain and death?
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Does this mean that two ounces of prevention are worth two pounds of cure? One in three people die of cancer and we spend trillions of dollars on cancer research and cancer drugs and radiation machines and we suffer in agony for years like dogs during cancer treatments medicating and radiating ourselves and then we succumb. This is our medical and economic system. Every school child and even my aunt Jenny knows that car exhaust fumes and smokestacks are the cause of cancer. Why don’t we just do away with them? What many people don’t know is that electro magnetic radiation shooting out of your cell phone and computer monitor and hard drive also cause the big C.
An agoraphobic like Howard Hughes aka Leonardo DiCaprio in The Aviator locks himself away in his hotel suite for 6 years afraid to come out for fear of catching a germ which in his mind is a dirigible sized alien monster attacking him mercilessly. Howie Hughes sits alone in his room watching Deal or No Deal and running Trans World Airlines, Hughes Aircraft and directing Jane Russell in “The Outlaw” armed only with his cell phone and desktop computer thinking that he has successfully shielded himself from the dangers of the industrial revolution, rampant crime and viruses and bacteria which mutate into new illnesses every day. If you don’t believe me then just ask the birds and killer bees and the cows. One of my favorite Hughes pictures was the “Killer Bees from Arizona” trilogy.
The obvious cure for cancer is to stop poisoning the air water and earth we are made of by doing away with cars and smoke stacks and cell phones and computers as our super brilliant pyramid and space ship building ancestors did for 5 million years but human beings don’t like it plain and simple. Furthermore bloggers would never allow it. What would they do all day? Instead of riling up millions of people with their brainwashed prejudiced minds they would have to go back to simpler times and gossip among their fellow village people.
You are lying in your bed trying to go to sleep only this incredibly excruciating electrical pain is shooting from your wrists up into your arm and you are as likely to fall asleep as Jane Russell is to go on a second date with Mickey Rooney. So you go to your medicine cabinet and dope yourself up with codeine and morphine from Afghanistan supplied by your doctor and your pharmacist. Heaven forbid humans should ever eliminate the root cause of their problems the economy would collapse these people would have you believe. The Huns had quite a prosperous economy not to mention the perks. So where did this unbearable wrist pain come from? Did some Barbarian sneak into your home late at night like John Mark Karr and twist your arm for you to go out on a second date with him promising that he had remedied his problem at the new naturopathic halitosis specialist who moved in two doors down from his cousin Jenny?
Picture the inside of your wrist. Your wrist is a circular bone. Inside of your wrist there is a spinal cord running from your arm to your hand. Every one of the million times a day that you hit a key on your keyboard your hand moves down and the circular wrist bone hits the wrist spinal cord. Then the wrist spinal cord get inflamed and injured and the carpal tunnel person has arrived to ruin your life. The prevention and the cure is to stop your hand from moving down. You do this by going out to the store and buying two nicely fitting wrist splints with an iron bar running along the bottom which prevents your hand from moving down every time you hit the keys. The key to happiness in life is to eliminate all of the men. Now that we can freeze sperm and clone who needs them? They buy you a new computer, profess their undying love to you and a month later they can’t remember your name. Another cool trick is to forget the proper way of typing. Begin to hunt and peck and never use your thumbs. The second that you use your thumb your hand rolls over and you are well on your way to Carpalville Ohio. It is also bad to use a roll mouse because rolling down the page leads to index finger pain which can easily add 6 shots to your handicap.
Your computer monitor and hard drive and cell phone are all giving off cancer causing radiation which causes stress, irritability, erectile dysfunction and finally cancer. It is well known that cell phones cause brain cancer. The antenna placed close to your head in frying your brain. The cell phone makers know this and market their most expensive models like Carol Alt as having the least amount of radiation. If you go to the health show in your city you will find booths with people selling little metallic circular stickers which when placed on your monitor and hard drive and cell phone actually eliminate the deadly radiation. In your search engine boxes type in cell phone radiation and you will find the solution to the problem that you didn’t even know that you had. People think that because they cannot see something like a radio signal that it doesn’t exist. Here is a coded message to all Al Qaeda members: “Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got, I’m still Jen Jen Jenny from the block.” Osama Bin Laden is sitting in his cave grooving to the new J Lo DVD but his doctor Ayman Al Zwahiri can’t do a darn thing for his carpal tunnel syndrome. All of that instant messaging with Jenna Bush as he pretends to be Professor Ernst Kirkland from the Kabul Institute of Technology has finally caught up with him. What the combined forces of Britain and the United States could not do Steve Jobs has done. He has brought Osama Bin Laden to his knees. And those are the bees knees. Attention all CIA agents. Bees are little insects that fly around biting people.